All we ever were
by SarahJane001
Summary: I don't know what to do anymore. How to think, how to act... how to exist in the same way that I did before any of this ever happened. But I also can't bring myself to regret it. It tore us apart, but strung us tighter together in a different sort of way. Padme makes a choice that tears Anakin apart, he turns to Ahsoka for comfort, but will things ever be the same again? Anisoka
1. Chapter 1

All we ever were

I don't know what to do anymore. How to think, how to act... how to exist in the same way that I did before any of this ever happened. But I also can't bring myself to regret it. It tore us apart, but strung us tighter together in a different sort of way. If it was easy to explain, maybe I could stop thinking about it. Maybe if I somehow try and sort out all of the events that led us here, if I can pinpoint the exact moment I should have, for once, chosen myself over you that I can one day try to come to peace with it all. They say everything happens for a reason, or perhaps if I dared say a word about it to anybody else that they would tell me this was the will of the Force.

I suppose we did learn a lesson, in the very definition of the hard way. You learned to see things more clearly. You earned to trust your feelings and you learned patience, you figured out who you were destined to be. I learned that I was just a piece of the complicated puzzle that is you. I was a rung in the ladder you needed to ascend to feel whole again, to return to where you were always meant to be. I learned to be guarded, and that the higher the climb, the farther the fall. I learned that wishes are granted, not free.

I wish I could go back in time, and tell myself what I know now. Keeping you at arms distance would always be better. I wish I had known back then that pain felt quietly is the selfless thing to do. To see someone as they truly are destroys them. I held you on a pedestal that came crashing down on top of me. You were better left just out of reach, than a painful memory I have to face every day. When one door closes, another opens. But the door to you from me has slammed shut and I'm trapped. Floating in dead space, regretting every single decision I've ever made that led me to this.

You found me where I was a lot these days, training in the gym. We hadn't had a mission in weeks, and there really wasn't much else to do. I enjoyed training regardless, sometimes I would work myself for hours until I was slick with sweat and afternoon had turned to evening, turned to night. I had worked for a few hours by the time you woke up, realizing I was gone. You normally didn't come looking for me, not that that surprised me at all. I wasn't a troublemaker and I was 18, I could do just about whatever I wanted. But that morning, something brought you in search of me. I know now what that "something" was, or rather _who._

You walked into the gym, your chestnut hair catching rays of sun and your icy blue eyes sparkling. You wore your usual cocky grin, your disposition the same as it ever was. You found me in the corner of the room. Past a fair number of clones, past the other padawans trying to impress the boys, past a vast ocean of sociable people to isolation island, population: 1. I was beating a punching bag when you found me. Instead of interrupt me right away, you leaned back against a wall, watching me.

I didn't know you were there right away. I was completely focused on the punching bag in front of me. I was in what you liked to joke was a "trance", like I always was when I was working out. I shut everything else out, nothing existed in the world besides me and my opponent. I swung my right leg in a wide arc, hitting the bag and sending it swinging madly when you approached me. You touched my elbow, and I jumped, my mind still in combat mode. I swung at you, but your hand met my fist before it could connect with anything. Your glove felt cool against my trembling hand.

"I'm surprised you didn't sense me," you commented. "I was standing right behind you."

"Don't sneak up on me like that," I joked, punching you lightly in the arm. "What's up?"

"Nothing much, I just need to run some errands. I figured I should tell you before I left."

"Oh." I said, wiping a sheen of sweat off of my forehead.

"Don't work yourself too hard, Snips. Can't beat you in training if you're worn out." I rolled my eyes, but smiled nonetheless.

"We'll see about that when you get back." You scoffed, but left without any more discussion. I didn't stay in the gym for much longer, however. After you had pulled me out of my stupor, I didn't feel it necessary to get myself completely refocused, so I headed back to my room. As I walked, I focused on the force, feeling it's presence all around me. In the younglings in training, in the fellow Jedi around me, in the plants in the gardens and the beings outside the temple, including you.

Your presence was reassuring, through our bond I could feel you no matter where you were. You seemed happy, whatever it was that you were doing, and I stopped feeling around for you when I reached my door. I headed straight for my desk, pulling out the necessary papers that I needed to work. It was mostly reports, research, etc, but they were necessary to finish my training to become a knight.

Two years ago, I thought my chances at being a knight had been robbed from me. If you've never had your dreams smashed, I'll tell you what it feels like. It feels like you're falling. Whatever it was keeping you aloft is yanked away, and you plummet. You watch everything you've ever had, everything you've ever wanted get farther and farther away until you hit the ground. You're paralyzed. You can't breathe, you can't think. You feel like a gigantic weight is sitting on your chest, waiting to crush the life out of you. Maybe that's why they call it falling from grace.

 _"They're asking you back, Ahsoka. I'm...asking you back."_ _Everybody in the room was silent, the air still. Anakin held my Padawan braid out to me. The hand that I had wrapped around my torso squeezed my elbow, the decision gnawing at my mind. If I stay, I get everything that I've ever wanted. If I leave, I keep my dignity. But I lose_ everything. _I looked into Anakin's eyes, as he smiled at me, moving his hand towards me again. As I looked into his eyes, I knew it. I couldn't abandon him. I could never hurt him like that. I took the braid from his hand, fastening it on to my head dress. I bowed to him, as well as to the members of the council._

 _"Thank you, masters."_

 _"It's good to have you back, Ahsoka." Obi-wan smiled to me. "I'm sure you two have much to discuss. We will check in with the two of you later. You are dismissed." I nodded in time with my master, bowing before we left. As soon as the door shut behind us, he put both his arms around me and squeezed me in a tight hug. It sort of shocked me, he rarely hugged anybody. Nonetheless, I returned the hug._

 _"Thank you, Ahsoka." He whispered to me, "I was so scared... I didn't think you were gonna come back..." Eventually he let me go, smiling._

 _"Of course, Master. Who else is gonna keep an eye on you?" I laughed, for the first time in days. The sound was refreshing. Even in light of the joke, there was an underlying sense of foreboding in the air. What might have happened if he hadn't been able to prove me innocent? I didn't want to think about the possibilities. He put his arm around my shoulders in a big-brother sort of way, and we left the tower, master and Palawan once more._

I pushed back my chair, coming back to reality. Ki -Adi -Mundi had said I had shown "the qualities of a Jedi Knight", giving me false hope that my ordeal had been my great trial. Mace windu had even suggested it, that I would be welcomed back into the order as a Knight, but as it had turned out, I wasn't nearly old enough.

"Rules are rules." Mace Windu reasoned later, contradicting himself. "Knights age from 23-27, you're only 18."

Oddly enough, I didn't mind. I didn't particularly want to smash any records and draw attention to myself... and to be honest, I wasn't ready to leave you, either. All of our misadventures, the time spent together... I wasn't ready for it to end. But it'll end eventually. Nothing good ever lasts.


	2. Chapter 2

Night had fallen. You came back hours later, finding my resting place on the couch. The holo-tv was on, casting a pale light throughout our tiny living room. I was on the couch, my legs folded and my head resting on my arm. Your presence stirred my sleep, and as you approached me, my eyes opened sleepily and focused on your face.

"Hey Snips," you said quietly. "It's late. You should be getting to bed."

"Who says I'm tired?" I said, getting to my feet and stretching.

"The bags under your eyes," you said softly. "Go on."

"...Fine," I said, looking more closely at your face. You looked... Troubled. I couldn't place the distant look in your eyes, but in the moment I chalked it up to being tired. "Good night, master."

"G'nite, Snips." I went to bed and didn't think anymore of it. I wasted no time going to sleep, I was already wearing lounging clothes and waiting up for you had left me exhausted. I crawled under my covers and focused on feeling the force, pulling me into a dreamless sleep.

Light poured into my bedroom the next morning, waking me up earlier than I would have liked. I was still tired from staying up late, but I got out of bed anyway. From the sound across the hall, you were just waking up too. I met you in the living room as you emerged, looking just as tired as I did. You had that same look on your face, except you looked like you were trying to hide it... I reached out to you with the force. You felt distant, maybe even sad, but you knew better than to admit it to yourself.

"Are you alright?" I asked you. It was always slightly annoying when people probed their way around your mind when you didn't want them to, so I gave you a chance. To see if you would confide in me. Part of me hoped that you would, but I knew you were going to lie anyway. Nobody is ever honest about their feelings.

"Of course, Snips, just fine." I sighed, but otherwise didn't let my disappointment show. "Lets go get some breakfast." I followed behind you to the mess hall, grabbing a small plate of scrambled eggs and a cup of coffee. You saw this and gave me an odd look as I sat down.

"I didn't know you drank coffee," you said to me, snorting as I poured a copious amount of sugar into the black liquid.

"Every now and again," I replied nonchalantly, "especially when I'm tired."

"You didn't _have_ to wait up for me, you know." You said, with your famous skeptically raised eyebrow.

"I know I didn't _have_ to," I emphasized, mimicking you, "I wanted to. I hadn't seen you all day. What did you do all day?"

"Stuff." You said, looking down at your hands as you buttered a piece of toast.

"Oh yeah? What kind of "stuff"?" I questioned, scooping a forkful of scrambled eggs.

"Master Stuff," you replied, muffled by a mouthful of toast.

"Instead of hanging out with me?" I asked, pulling my bottom lip out in a sarcastic, fake pout. My smile broke it though, and you laughed.

"You know I would rather have spent the time with you," you said, sipping at your own coffee. "As a matter of fact, how about we spend the day together today? Unless you're busy working on your reports."

"Nah, I've already given them to Master Jocasta to read through, so I'm free."

"Alright, then," you said enthusiastically, holding up your cup of coffee. "Here's to our first day off in a while." I clinked my cup with yours, laughing at your childish toast.

"Here here," I said, "much needed as well. So what do you want to do?"

"I was thinking maybe some shopping, get a bite to eat?"

"What does your speeder need this time?" I asked, my eye marking raised questionably.

"Power couplings, and a lot of them," you said, taking a long sip from your coffee, "that last mission really banged up the underside."

"Alright, I'll make you a deal." I said, standing up with my plate and empty cup, "I go with you to pick up power couplings, you come with me to a store I've been meaning to go to."

You stood with me, as we threw our trash away and took our dishes to the sink droids, letting out a loud groan.

"Tell me it's not a clothes store, you always take forever when we go in there."

"It's a bookstore." I said matter-of-factly.

"Of course, I mean it's not like we live in a temple with a gigantic library full of books." You said sarcastically.

"Exactly." I said, pushing the button on the elevator keypad, bringing us down to the hangar.

As the sun climbed higher in the sky, we walked through the streets of Couroscant, your arms filled with strange looking devices and parts for your speeder. I had a couple of books clutched to my chest, watching the people go by as we ventured back to the speeder. Scanning the many faces in the crowd, as my Jedi training had me so accustom to doing, I almost dropped my books as a face suddenly stuck out. A familiar face, one that I hadn't seen since his daring escape of Count Dooku.

"Lux!" I called to him, and he turned around to find the source of the sound. When he found me, a smile lit up his face and he made his way over to us.

"Padawan Tano, Master Skywalker. A pleasure to see you again."

"Good to see you too, L-... um, Senator Bonteri. How have you been?"

"Exceedingly busy, for the most part, but well all the same. Onderon's economy has boosted significantly since joining the republic. How have you two been? All has been peaceful, I trust?"

"Yeah," I said shyly, trying to contain the smile on my face. "We haven't been called to the front lines in a while. I'm glad to hear Onderon is doing well."

"Thanks to the efforts of the Jedi," he replied, casting you a grateful look. I noticed then that you looked odd. Civil, but you had the expression as if you smelled something foul. I chose to ignore it.

"As a matter of fact, some representatives of the Onderon government are visiting and I'm hosting a small get together to celebrate. Care to join us?" He held out a small slip of paper, which appeared to be an invitation.

"Many of the soldiers who we fought beside are attending. You're both welcome, of course."

"That sounds great," I said cheerfully, "of course I'll have to check that we don't have any assignments."

"Well, it would be great to have you two." He checked the time on his watch and his face dropped a portion. "I'm sorry, but I really must be going. Hope to see you then!" And with that, he left, and we continued until we could set our purchases down in the speeder.

"It says it's this Thursday night, at 8:00. What do you think?" I asked you, though you didn't seem very enthusiastic.

"I think you should go, spend a night having fun with old friends." You said, shutting the storage compartment of the speeder.

"What about you?"

"I'm not much of a party goer," you said, shrugging your shoulders. "Besides, they're your friends, your age... I'm sure he only invited me as a courtesy."

"Whatever you say," I laughed, as you locked the speeder. "So where do you want to go for lunch?"


	3. Chapter 3

**A/N : Hey guys, sorry, just wanted to put a quick word in and say that this story is almost entirely from Ahsoka's perspective. If it's anything other than her POV it'll be in** ** _italics_** **and I'll be sure it's clear who's POV it is. Thanks for reading!**

The week had gone by relatively slowly, with still no new assignments and the ever-relentless cabin fever settling over us. You liked to tease me that I always got bored easily, but I could tell that you too were eager for something to do. You tried to keep me entertained, you played video games with me and trained with me as much as expected, but Thursday felt like years away.

When you weren't with me or asleep, you went off as you normally did, but I noticed your absences were becoming significantly more sparse and you weren't gone for nearly as long. But I could have been wrong, I had no idea how long "master stuff" took, and you didn't particularly seem interested in discussing it.

Eventually, Thursday arrived and the party with Lux was all I could think about. The hours dragged by painfully slowly, until finally it was time for me to leave. I had picked out a short grey dress. It wasn't particularly fancy, but it was a step up from casual. As I emerged from my quarters, you stood from the couch.

"Wow, Snips... You look great."

"Thanks..." I said awkwardly, "you don't think it's too much, do you? Or too casual?"

"I'm completely the wrong person to ask for fashion advice," you said with humor, " but if it means anything, I think you look fine." I could feel my cheeks growing redder and my montrals turning a darker blue.

"Now, Ahsoka," you said, turning slightly more serious, "if you need anything, anything _at all,_ don't hesitate to call me."

"I won't," I promised, grabbing my speeder keys off of the hook. "I'll see you later."

"Have fun, Snips." And with that, the door shut behind me and I made my way to the hangar elevator.

After a short, uneventful drive, I finally arrived at the senate building. After showing all of the proper ID to get into the building, I followed behind one of Lux's personal guards until we arrived at his suite. The music was so loud that the bass shook the floor for several feet in front of it. The guard bowed to me, opening the door for me as I steeped inside.

Instantaneously, I was shocked at the number of people who were inside. This was like no Senator party I had ever been to. There was loud music, people dancing extremely...provocatively, and the air alone reeled with alcohol. I wandered past a group of dancing people until I spotted Lux in the kitchen. He was talking to a group of guys, all of which looked familiar, though I was sure I hadn't spoken to any of them. He noticed me straight away and excused himself.

"Ahsoka! So glad you could make it!"

"Hey, Lux..." I stammered awkwardly, not quite sure of what to say. "Nice party you've got here."

"Thanks," he said, glossing over my awkwardness. "Can I get you a drink?" I thought about it for a moment. I was underage for alcohol, but then again that didn't seem to stop a lot of people here. That and I wasn't planning on getting crazy drunk or anything. One drink was ok, wasn't it? What could go wrong?

"Sure." I said, suddenly feeling a bit more brave. Right as he turned to return to the kitchen, a voice stopped him.

"Lux! There you are, I've been looking all over!" I whipped around to find the source of the high pitched feminine voice. It belonged to a girl about my age, with fair skin, pale brown hair, impressive green eyes, and a smile full of perfectly white, straight teeth.

"Oh hello, darling." He said, grabbing her by the waist and kissing her forehead. Allow e to introduce Jedi Padawan Ahsoka Tano." She looked at me with a skeptical expression, like she was apprehensive about my presence. She reached up and brought Lux's head down to her, whispering in his ear.

"Oh no, of course not. She was invited. Her and her master were the driving force behind the liberation of Onderon." Her eyes suddenly got very wide.

"You're _that_ Jedi?" She asked me.

"Y-yes," I stammered, outreaching my hand. "Ahsoka Tano."

"Bri Minora," she said, taking my hand with a tiny shake. "Representative of Onderon, and fiancé to Senator Bonteri." As soon as the words left her lips, I felt my blood turn to ice.

"F-fiancé?" I asked, trying to sound impressed. "That's wonderful. Congratulations, Lux!

"Thank you. Now what was it you needed, dear?"

"Somebody was asking for you, though I can't remember his name. I'll show you to him."

"Alright," he said confusedly, "I'll see you around, Ahsoka. Help yourself to a drink."

I nodded, watching as he disappeared into the crowd.

I suddenly found I had a large lump forming in my throat, and tears were creeping their way steadily toward the surface. I blinked them away rapidly. How embarrassing would it be to start crying in the middle of a party. Besides... I was a Jedi. What did I expect? Some weird, secret romance with a Senator? There's no way that would ever work. I should have been happy for him, that girl was clearly much better for him in every way. But instead I found myself feeling extremely stupid and sad.

"Hey, pretty, you want a drink?" I looked up to see one of the guys that Lux had been talking to earlier, holding out a cup to me.

"Sure, thanks." I took the cup from his outstretched hand and took a sip.

Whatever it was had many different fruit flavors, with the underlying bitterness of alcohol. I figured that Lux had gone to all the trouble of inviting me, I might as well enjoy myself. After a couple of minutes talking to the guys from the kitchen, I began to feel off. My drink had vanished after a minute or two, and I was left with a fuzzy feeling. It started in my head but apparently spread throughout my whole body. Bright spots danced around my vision, and I felt nausea spread up the back of my stomach. I tried to say something, but it felt like my jaw had been glued shut.

"Are you feeling alright?" The guy who handed me my drink asked me. I wanted to say no, I was absolutely _not_ alright, but the words would not come out of my mouth. "Why don't we get you to lie down, you'll feel better." He put a hand on my shoulder, guiding me. The other guy stabilized my other shoulder. They led me to a spare bedroom, significantly quieter than the room outside. I expected them to leave me there, but then it happened. Whatever had been in that drink hit me like a freight train. The room started rapidly spinning, and shapes and colors all started melding together. I barely noticed the sound of the zipper on my dress start to go down over trying to keep up with all the dancing colors. And then, you were there.

You put a strong, reassuring hand across my back and said something to the boys and they left in a hurry. If I was myself, I would have realized what a terrible mistake I had made, but then I was too busy following the shapes dancing in the air.

"Hsokuh, Uyoi lrigjt?" I giggled at the sound of your words. You put a cloak into my hands, but after realizing I had no idea what was going on, you slipped it onto me with difficulty, leading me out of the suite. As I rode in the speeder, which I didn't even remember getting into, nausea over took me again. I felt sick, and leaned over the side as my stomach heaved. You patted my back as I was sick, handing me a handkerchief. I held onto it as we landed.

You helped me all the way up to our quarters, where you set me up on the couch. I didn't remember much about the rest of the night, but I do remember waking up the next morning with the worst headache I had ever had. I had barely opened my eyes before you shoved pain killers into my hand. I took them and a sip from a glass of water already on the table.

"How are you feeling?" You asked me. My head was pounding, as I tried to recall the events of the previous night. Suddenly I was overcome with panic.

"Master, I'm so sorry, I don't know what happened, I only had one drink and everything went black and I-"

"Ahsoka." You said in a calming voice, wiping a tear from my cheek. "It's alright. Everything is ok. Nothing that happened last night was your fault." You must have seen the confused look on my face.

"You were drugged." You said. "It was getting late, you weren't home yet... something felt off. Thank the force I got there when I did."

"You're not mad at me?" You used a cool washcloth to wipe my forehead.

"Of course not, Snips. I'm just grateful you're ok."

"Yeah," I said, suddenly remembering what had happened with Lux. You must have seen my mood change, because I felt your presence in my mind, searching.

"Do you want to talk about it?" You asked, sitting on the end of the couch. I curled my legs into a ball so you could sit down.

"It was just stupid," I said, burying my face in my elbow. "I shouldn't have gotten so hurt over it. I'm... I'm a Jedi, I shouldn't have feelings like that." Tears leaked out of my eyes, and I buried my head further. You still knew I was crying, there was no hiding that.

"Ahsoka... it's not a crime to feel." You told me, rubbing my back. "You shouldn't repress your feelings, otherwise they'll just distract you. They'll only get stronger. As long as you don't let your feelings control you, there's no reason you can't be honest with yourself about what you feel." I sniffled, wiping my tears.

"Thank you, master."

"Of course, Snips. Anything for you." With that, you put the washcloth back on my forehead and I soon found myself asleep, sleeping off the side effects of my nativity.


End file.
